2.45 am with 111 online tabs

Its 2:45am... 

I'm blogging...

 and I currently have 64 google tabs open and another 47 firefox tabs. 

I will never underestimate the power of my broadband again.

Module three you are testing me. My blogging commitment is still something to be desired but i'm trying. I don't have a big update on where I'm at -I have made big progress but - I think my brain is as scattered as my 111 google tabs!

I can, however, offer an observations to keep you going-

Today I read an article. I used it to inform some writing within my inquiry. 

Then, within the space of a few hours I managed to select, comprehend, and advance my inquiry Word Glossary.. YAY! (yes i'm actually doing a word glossary... Why?...) 

... well.. I then reread the article I had used, to find a complete different meaning to what I had originally comprehended and subsequently implied due to my new and solidified definitions of technical jargon..... back to square one.... that is the power of language. #knowyourjargon

I am supporting myself through this with the idea 'knowledge is not how much you know, it's knowing how much you don't know.'

It is now 3:22 am.. but this was worth watching! Anyone who's confused by ethical considerations and privilege, this might help in an amusing but truthful way.

Goodnight friends!

Sleep well..

Long Time - long progress

 I've fallen behind on my blogs again but at least this time it is not for lack of wanting to, but because I have actually been making so much more progress than I even thought possible!

I still have no idea if what I've done in module 3 so far is correct but honestly... and I never thought I'd say this.... I am seeing the world in a completely different way 🤯

Did you know, in a study of brain activity, when interpreting body language, women were shown to engage 15 different areas of the brain, where as men only engaged 5 areas! 

Did you know more than 2% of the population are intersex? Meaning they have genitals or internal organs that fall outside of the male/female bracket! 

I never understood birthdays, I always thought that 'I didn't do anything to be born, my parents were the ones who achieved, They went through childbirth' until one day I was on the train to work at 5:30am, watching the sun rise and I realised I will have orbited the sun 25 times this year.... that's something worth celebrating! 

My mind is in overdrive right now. I can't do or watch anything without analysing it and I'm rather loving it. 

Not a fan of lockdown 2 tho. My financial stress levels are through the roof and this one seems much more emotionally damaging.

Please watch out for all the elderly out there, the thought of them spending Christmas alone is eating me up from the inside. Everyone needs support. Stay safe. Stay well. 

Module 3 - Kickstarting the World

Hello Module Three!

Anyone who really knows me will know I'm awful at blogging! It is not a natural go-to for me and one of my biggest failings (or succeedings) in life is that once I get started on something, I just can't stop. This is both demonstrated by my inability to get round to blogging...and my lengthy blogs that go on, because I then can't stop!

I didn't know how to start this Module 3 blog as I've been keeping my own notes on how thoughts are developing over the summer - I would say on a separate document but in reality they are scattered across my whole life leaving a small trail of where i've been for someone to find!... Anyway, this lead me to re-read my past blogs and honestly it is so strange to go back now and hear your 'voice' but from a different perspective. I mean, how did I sound so wise (if I do say so myself) during a time of complete confusion hahahahah. It's all a front, like a duck paddling on water, underneath it's manic!

I will try to be more succinct now with my points, however hear me out, this has reached a level of complexity that I need help with exploring...

A controversial question I've been wondering over this last week of discovery and reading.

What is Gender?

I've been reading and discussing the idea of Gender in relation to my inquiry about 'Female roles in Shakespeare' and the big thing that keeps coming up is the difference between 'biological gender' and 'personality gender', which of course leads to the position of transgender, non-binary and gender non-conformist, a massive massive topic which I can only just scrape the surface off.

My big controversial question/idea to explore now is:

In my very limited experience (and this may be where everything falls down, please feel free to come back to me on this one) but.... in my very limited experience of the LBGTQIA community one word or phrase that I hear so often is the idea of 'constraints'. Not feeling comfortable with certain constraints. Feeling constrained by a gender. Feeling constrained by society. The other words that often come up are 'unaccepted' and 'accepted'. 

These words also came up in conversation with a friend I recently engaged in. She identifies biologically as female but androgynously in personality. She has a wealth of experience in playing both typically 'male' and 'female' written parts in Shakespeare as they were traditionally written. She expressed, when playing Richard iii that she felt 'free', that the constraints that are there in the 'female' gendered roles are not there when she plays the 'male' gendered roles and the conversation then also developed to touch on areas of feminism and patriarchy. -Now of course with Shakespeare there is historical context that cannot be ignored however...

Having mulled that over a bit I have come to question, are the 'constraints' really gone or has she not yet viewed the constraints of Richard the iii as being constraints on 'males'? (Because I cannot believe there are no constraints) Or maybe she feels the constraints are not comparable, imbalanced, not as restricting...?

This lead me to question

Do we all have constraints? we must? Transgender works both ways so there must be a feeling of constraint from both biological genders. 

What if there were no constraints... If everyone were equal (Which is also an aspect of Feminism) then these constraints would, theoretically, not exist? So, if all constraints were gone and therefore everyone was accepted, gender constraints would not be a thing? How does this affect transgender? Would transgender disappear. Is LBGTQIA a product of, a response to, to a society full of constraints and judgement? 

Now we enter the world of patriarchy and patriarchal structures of society! Is that the root of or the cause of our modern day constraints.......? IS it a thing!?

My mind can't take any more today. I am so overwhelmingly aware that I do not know enough on any of these topics and feel a race against time trying to learn and understand them.... This is module 3! 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, if anyone has something to say on this I would love to hear your stance, your position, your criticism, your answers, your response! 

An interesting article I recently read on these topics:

https://www.newstatesman.com/international/2020/09/judith-butler-culture-wars-jk-rowling-and-living-anti-intellectual-times 

Submission Relief

Mod 2 submitted and the weight is lifted.

I can't deny I've found the run up to this submission rather frustrating. Having felt in a great position for the last month or so submission felt like an array of issues... again!

- unihub not working
- turn it in not working
- conflicting messages
- no feedback
- hundreds of questions

And now its allllllllll gone and life is good again...for a short while.

This summer should have been filled with 3 months playing two Shakespere roles and a 3rd role as the queen of hearts which would have been so much fun!!! but ...

Here's to a break and figuring out what's next for the career in these strange covid times.

One month of Lockdown UK

Lockdown day 30:

So a month of official lockdown  and I'm adjusting pretty well now it has to be said...

First of, something that hasn't come up, and I just can't understand why.... the Sun has been out almost every day since lockdown started! ITS A LOCKDOWN MIRACLE! It's amazing. I love the sun! I'm tanning like I'm in the Mediterranean and it's lovely!

My nan rang me earlier (always nice) and asked how my day was. The response:

Well the sun was shining so that means it's a good day...

This is something I really do live by but it's not by choice. I mean in one way it's great that the sun can help everything, but on the other hand the mood drop when the weather is poor is so noticeable. Almost as noticable as my mood when I'm hangry! No-one needs to experience that!

The other thing that's nice about this lockdown is that it's the first time in literally years that I don't feel guilty for having a day to myself. The only other time I find this is possible to feel, is on an abroad holiday with no internet, but even now the world is so well adapted that you can't afford to switch off on holiday.


Lockdown schedule:
Morning breakfast
2 hours of focused work (art or uni or professional advancement)
1-2 hour workout
Lunch
Free time in the sun (book reading or spend time with my sis)
5PM news briefing combined with an abbs session
Cook the family dinner
TV evening
RSC/ NT live/ Drama online bedtime show

Repeat

No complaints!

But this is only allowed as I've already put a lot of time in to uni work and my taxes, applying for 'normal jobs' including the NEC Nitingale and updating my showreels/CV. 

Anyway I'm rambling but it's how the mind works in this lockdown. Try to avoid the elephant in the room, that still every day theres hundreds of people dying and life as we knew it remains in jeopardy. I also feel like in a time where the world says reach out, I'm really really selfishly enjoying my own little bubble of isolation. 

In terms of the course, I've spent a solid month working hard on 'completing' this unit and still new things keep mysteriously presenting themselves. Frustrating when you think you might be done and all of a sudden there is something else that needs adding. I sent a complete version for feedback a couple of weeks ago tho so at least I will hopefully know that the structure is right and theres nothing missing. Hopefully that will come through soon so I can make final adjustments and submit. We will see.

For now... back to the routine.

Quarantine week 1

Well we've got through the first week of quarantine and all I can say... sunday boredom is painful!

I've got a lot of uni stuff done although I really thought I'd have loads of time in this lockdown and so far my list of things to do has just got longer and longer! ...Loving all the live stream dance classes though, although I can't see the enthusiasm lasting more than a couple of months.

Knowing that this could go on for such a long time makes me wonder whether it's worth getting a 'normal' job for a year just to pay the Bills. Considering applying for the NEC nightingale. Its front line but I'd like to do more to help anyway? Don't want to risk my family tho. Tough decisions.

I watch the daily briefings every day and the 10pm news every night, people say it's bad for your mental health but I find knowing the statistics strangely calming.  Not knowing seems much worse... ironic when this BAPP course seems to be wholly based on 'not knowing' and dealing with it! This came up in the Module 3 skype this week.

Not a lot to update on the course however much I've got done. I think my approach it to try and get it 'complete' so I can keep adding more detail after and have time to focus on reading for the literature review in Mod 3.

Also worried that Mod 3 will come just as this situation is starting to change and we will all have to go into life as fast as we can to try and find stability again and wont have time for the 3rd module.


Above all of this I'm sad for the world. I'm in good spirit but the sad is like an ache that sits there in the background and doesn't leave. I'm extremely sad for Italy. That upsets me most for now but I know things will get worse here too soon. America looks like a dangerous place and Spain isnt coping either. All of the lonely isolated deaths breaks my heart and I cannot help but think of the doctors and nurses every night who have had to see death after death all day. Did anyone watch scrubs? Remember that episode where Dr cox lost all his patients for the day... this reminds me of that, but on a mass scale. I dont know how they are coping. They are Heroes.

And so are the unmentioned workers  supporting the front line workers. The ones that never knew they were vital until they were told they still need to go to work through this. My parents included. And the abuse they get from people who don't understand how they help, it's unfair. Spread love not hate!

Oh What a Week...

I cannot even begin to explain how crazy this week has been. Covid-19 what are you doing to us!

My family, in part, originates from Italy and for them I feel a huge sense of sadness. To surpass China in the total deaths and see the footage from inside their hospitals.. I just don't have the words. 

And that's the problem with this Blog as I don't have the words for so much. 

I am struggling with the idea that this course may continue 'uninterrupted' by corona virus...

The majority of the course members, myself included are self-employed and now have no income for what could be months. Some are parents, who now have children at home with them all day to take care of. Some are carers of the most vulnerable. Some already face family members getting severely ill... Many have reduced access to computers as family members are being asked to work from home meaning they need the house computer. And where do you find the funds to just buy a new laptop. The libraries are closed however the online resource is a blessing... 

This is a massively uncertain and stressful time for us as distance learners, who also do not qualify for any kind of maintenance loan like many students. I hate to write this as ultimately I'm in good health and right now that is the most important thing for everyone. I just think its naive to think we shall be able to continue as normal.

I had to get that down... but in other news I finally have sent off my draft for the MORE form... 22 pages of pure confusion right there, so will be very interested to receive feedback on that. And I have also completed the most basic outline of a proposal and my literature review so in all I think i'm in an ok place. I've pushed so hard this week as I know were going to face so many more challenges in the upcoming weeks so thought I should try and get ahead whilst I can. The BAPP Facebook group is such a huge help! Finally feels like were all getting through this together...but I would like to ad that the state of 'not knowing what the hell is going on' never leaves anyone..we just all feel it together.

Just because I cant get it out of my head, and it may be a small glance of lighthearted relief for some......

Covid-19 fits perfectly to Come on Eileen...

Your welcome.

I hope you enjoy that being stuck in your head for the remainder of this pandemic.