Transitioning Into the Unknown

So what's next?

Honestly I have spent the majority of January feeling completely lost and wondering what to do. I have completed a 50 mile running challenge, baked cakes and bread, looked into multiple new progression routes, including becoming a paramedic, completed multiple art pieces, watched unhealthy amounts of Grey’s Anatomy and felt generally down...

And then I returned to the arts and it may not have solved my problem of not knowing what is next but all of a sudden the storm cleared and there was focus again. There are so many reasons using the arts, in this case, acting, can help. For me there's the act of setting a goal, the discovery, the improvement, the reaching out and networking and hopefully the achievement. 

Moving on from my Module 3 topic 'How the study of Shakespeare can impact a currently practising actress' I decided to go right back to the basics and work on some more monologues. I don't have a path to the future because of it, but I have a moment, a series of moments with complete focus, where the world around was silent and where I could process my own feelings and emotions into a meaningful product. I have reached out to a small circle of friends who inspire me and we have learnt from each other and somehow in the midst of a pandemic where everything is uncertain, I have a moment of focus and calm and comfort.

I cannot control the future, who knows what is in store, but I can control the present and that is how I am tackling my progression into the unknown. 

Why expression through the arts is important to me

I am someone who powers through life, cramming my time with more than I can manage, setting extremely high targets, and feeling both swamped and completely at ease when I have no time to spare! 

As I mentioned in my last blog, January was a challenging month for me and that was because I didn't have a full schedule and a daily plan for what comes next. We had got through the Christmas high and finished the final presentations for my degree and then all of a sudden the focus was gone. Now, I think it is important to take time to stop and recuperate... but I do not enjoy the feeling of being lost at all, and in the midst of a pandemic, finding a way through seems like an impossibility. 

I have now filled my time again, and really, it was forced upon me as I am fortunate to have received a lot of art orders this month but that didn't fix the lack of motivation I was experiencing. It's the same kind of lack of motivation you might feel after rejection.... or once you achieve a target.... or once you hit a brick wall in progression. The feeling of stuck. Of Stillness. 

Time and time again, when I am feeling this, it is the arts that get me out of that whole. Granted sometimes it takes longer than other times, but for me the arts is what I always return to. An impulse that I don't really choose but that I suddenly find myself doing. Like an unconscious muscle memory that just works. 

I have recently been exploring the power and effect of music. I love music, it is an art form in its own right, but I have been using music as a stimulus for my acting. I cannot do justice to the expanse and overwhelming impact music can have on an individual. To me it is fascinating. On my own I have discovered how to use music to provoke certain emotions or feelings which are unique and individual to me alone. Like a unique DNA code, or a personal fingerprint.. and also a personal method, a way of helping me in everyday life to focus, to feel, to direct the progression of a day, as well as in my performance work. I have already discussed how the arts can lift me out of a 'whole' and how participating in the arts gives me a 'moment' of clarity and calmness ... but to imagine a life without that escape? I can't.... and I don't want to.... and this TED talk by Alan Harvey does a far better job at explaining the importance of the arts than I ever could.... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZFFwy5fwYI

We have WORKED

 FREEDOM!!!!!!!! 

Module 3 ACI3633.. Submission SENT! 

The work. The work... The work! Never did I think a piece of writing could take so much! 

Those last 300 words to meet the word count...oh my... The tears were real! 

I don't have much to say other than Module 3s WE DID IT. 

We have worked. We have done it. 

Have a beautiful Christmas 🎄 

So near... and now so far! : A note to module 2's

 Tonight we had...dare I say it....  amusing module 3 Skype! Yes...people actually laughed..a lot! With only 10 days left 😮

Tonights Skype session was genuinely a lovely environment. Its amazing how much we've all got to know each other despite never meeting in person! Everyone talked about their artefact and their enquiry and how much they had learnt and how creative ther are being with their artefact..And even how all our discoveries interlap..

This feeling of elation lasted all of 10 minutes for me 🙃. Honestly this module is soooo deceiving! You see the light at the end if the tunnel, you can almost touch it.. and then BANG, some giant lory has crashed in front of you and your not even sure what light even looks like any more!

But really I genuinely feel so out of my depth. I don't think my brain has the capability of understanding the complexity of any of my topics any more, every time you think you find something, the rug gets pulled from underneath you. This is me right now. I've been rewriting my lit review and suddenly every quote actually means something completely different and therefore my entire analysis is flawed. Absolute midnight meltdown going on. Also I'm so grateful for my mum. She's not been massively involved in my inquiry...but she's there when I'm most confused... apart from right now..  in my midnight meltdown ahhh. 

But to module 2s out there my note is... hold on, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel! I hope you experience a similar vibed skype, as we did today as it was a real collective moment even if short lived...

And to myself... keep believing that before the biggest breakthroughs you face the darkest moments...and this is one of them... and the light will return .... please 🙏

2.45 am with 111 online tabs

Its 2:45am... 

I'm blogging...

 and I currently have 64 google tabs open and another 47 firefox tabs. 

I will never underestimate the power of my broadband again.

Module three you are testing me. My blogging commitment is still something to be desired but i'm trying. I don't have a big update on where I'm at -I have made big progress but - I think my brain is as scattered as my 111 google tabs!

I can, however, offer an observations to keep you going-

Today I read an article. I used it to inform some writing within my inquiry. 

Then, within the space of a few hours I managed to select, comprehend, and advance my inquiry Word Glossary.. YAY! (yes i'm actually doing a word glossary... Why?...) 

... well.. I then reread the article I had used, to find a complete different meaning to what I had originally comprehended and subsequently implied due to my new and solidified definitions of technical jargon..... back to square one.... that is the power of language. #knowyourjargon

I am supporting myself through this with the idea 'knowledge is not how much you know, it's knowing how much you don't know.'

It is now 3:22 am.. but this was worth watching! Anyone who's confused by ethical considerations and privilege, this might help in an amusing but truthful way.

Goodnight friends!

Sleep well..

Long Time - long progress

 I've fallen behind on my blogs again but at least this time it is not for lack of wanting to, but because I have actually been making so much more progress than I even thought possible!

I still have no idea if what I've done in module 3 so far is correct but honestly... and I never thought I'd say this.... I am seeing the world in a completely different way 🤯

Did you know, in a study of brain activity, when interpreting body language, women were shown to engage 15 different areas of the brain, where as men only engaged 5 areas! 

Did you know more than 2% of the population are intersex? Meaning they have genitals or internal organs that fall outside of the male/female bracket! 

I never understood birthdays, I always thought that 'I didn't do anything to be born, my parents were the ones who achieved, They went through childbirth' until one day I was on the train to work at 5:30am, watching the sun rise and I realised I will have orbited the sun 25 times this year.... that's something worth celebrating! 

My mind is in overdrive right now. I can't do or watch anything without analysing it and I'm rather loving it. 

Not a fan of lockdown 2 tho. My financial stress levels are through the roof and this one seems much more emotionally damaging.

Please watch out for all the elderly out there, the thought of them spending Christmas alone is eating me up from the inside. Everyone needs support. Stay safe. Stay well. 

Module 3 - Kickstarting the World

Hello Module Three!

Anyone who really knows me will know I'm awful at blogging! It is not a natural go-to for me and one of my biggest failings (or succeedings) in life is that once I get started on something, I just can't stop. This is both demonstrated by my inability to get round to blogging...and my lengthy blogs that go on, because I then can't stop!

I didn't know how to start this Module 3 blog as I've been keeping my own notes on how thoughts are developing over the summer - I would say on a separate document but in reality they are scattered across my whole life leaving a small trail of where i've been for someone to find!... Anyway, this lead me to re-read my past blogs and honestly it is so strange to go back now and hear your 'voice' but from a different perspective. I mean, how did I sound so wise (if I do say so myself) during a time of complete confusion hahahahah. It's all a front, like a duck paddling on water, underneath it's manic!

I will try to be more succinct now with my points, however hear me out, this has reached a level of complexity that I need help with exploring...

A controversial question I've been wondering over this last week of discovery and reading.

What is Gender?

I've been reading and discussing the idea of Gender in relation to my inquiry about 'Female roles in Shakespeare' and the big thing that keeps coming up is the difference between 'biological gender' and 'personality gender', which of course leads to the position of transgender, non-binary and gender non-conformist, a massive massive topic which I can only just scrape the surface off.

My big controversial question/idea to explore now is:

In my very limited experience (and this may be where everything falls down, please feel free to come back to me on this one) but.... in my very limited experience of the LBGTQIA community one word or phrase that I hear so often is the idea of 'constraints'. Not feeling comfortable with certain constraints. Feeling constrained by a gender. Feeling constrained by society. The other words that often come up are 'unaccepted' and 'accepted'. 

These words also came up in conversation with a friend I recently engaged in. She identifies biologically as female but androgynously in personality. She has a wealth of experience in playing both typically 'male' and 'female' written parts in Shakespeare as they were traditionally written. She expressed, when playing Richard iii that she felt 'free', that the constraints that are there in the 'female' gendered roles are not there when she plays the 'male' gendered roles and the conversation then also developed to touch on areas of feminism and patriarchy. -Now of course with Shakespeare there is historical context that cannot be ignored however...

Having mulled that over a bit I have come to question, are the 'constraints' really gone or has she not yet viewed the constraints of Richard the iii as being constraints on 'males'? (Because I cannot believe there are no constraints) Or maybe she feels the constraints are not comparable, imbalanced, not as restricting...?

This lead me to question

Do we all have constraints? we must? Transgender works both ways so there must be a feeling of constraint from both biological genders. 

What if there were no constraints... If everyone were equal (Which is also an aspect of Feminism) then these constraints would, theoretically, not exist? So, if all constraints were gone and therefore everyone was accepted, gender constraints would not be a thing? How does this affect transgender? Would transgender disappear. Is LBGTQIA a product of, a response to, to a society full of constraints and judgement? 

Now we enter the world of patriarchy and patriarchal structures of society! Is that the root of or the cause of our modern day constraints.......? IS it a thing!?

My mind can't take any more today. I am so overwhelmingly aware that I do not know enough on any of these topics and feel a race against time trying to learn and understand them.... This is module 3! 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, if anyone has something to say on this I would love to hear your stance, your position, your criticism, your answers, your response! 

An interesting article I recently read on these topics:

https://www.newstatesman.com/international/2020/09/judith-butler-culture-wars-jk-rowling-and-living-anti-intellectual-times